Ugly People Making Out: The Car Crash of PDA

Okay let's set the scene, because I know you've been there:

You're at a bar, you know, that one that has a scene for your younger bro but has a broad enough demographic to make your older friends feel comfortable. You're out on the dance floor and it looks like a European orgy, people are grinding with the wall from lack of space. You can't even get your hand up to fist pump let alone moonwalk. You're either pressed up against a cute stranger and pretending it's an accident or you've just pinched some girl's butt and now trying to escape to make it look like you didn't just pinch her butt. Let's say in your desperate flight you get stuck in the crowd. You're far from the exit and everyone's holding their ground. You try to make the best of. You begin to dance again. Everyone's bumping into the next, but the one on your left is persistent. Peeling your cheek off the big guy on your right, you check out what you think is Asshole Numero Uno on your left - only to find yourself in a three way makeout session with two fuglies.

Yeah, that's a dilemma. Where do you puke right?

But that's not the real problem. Okay, they're practically humping your leg from lack of room, but now you have to try to ignore them. So you go back to busting a move, but the half-shaved Sasquatch and the snaggle-toothed wonder keeping pulling your focus. Let's lay down the truth, you openly slack-jaw stare at them.

It's okay, I know you're not a freak, you're not turned on by it or anything (right?). This is how it is, have you ever seen two armadillos doing the nasty? Probably not, unless you're an armadillo breeder, in which case you're ruining my point.

Imagine it. It's not anatomically possible. It goes against nature. Unfortunately, that is what ugly people making out becomes. Impossible but it defies the impossible. And it's happening on your leg.

Now I've seen numerous fugly face-sucking sessions. Why they save them for the bar and yours truly's lap? Probably because their the spawn of Satan. With my expertise, I've devised some tactics to avoid ogling them like a bad homemade porn.

1) Fist pump - This is my best tactic. Everyone knows you have to look at your fist to make sure you're doing it right and if you're looking at your fist, voila, you can't see them. Now if you're not cool enough to fist pump, resort to my other methods.

2) Look at your shoes - Of course if you have no style and your shoes are ugly, you might as well stare at the car wreck beside you.

3) Shut your eyes - This is a last resort and for the love of life, don't open them, even if you think they're gone. Say you can't hear the sounds of god-awful suction noises. Don't fall for it. It's a trick. The second you open your eyes, they'll be off your leg and pressed up to your belly button. I hope you can smell your way to the bathrooms and have a buddy with good aim to toss a beer to your open hand.

Now I don't include these options because this is what I'd do, but most people wouldn't. Depending on what I ate that day, or what's in my throat, I can pick either/or.

1) Release the worst SBD fart you can muster. You know that one you were saving for a friend's pillow? Use it. This is a life or death situation. You're friends potential pink eye can wait.

I prefer my second method, because I'm pretty good at it and I'm possessive of my SBD's.

2)Cough.

I mean hoark it. They're not going to leave unless phlegm hits their faces. Make it sound like a degenerative disease that they could possibly catch. Pretend you can't help coughing, or you run the risk of getting hairy-knuckled, white trash style. When I'm feeling creative, I keep a bar olive in my pocket. Then I'll fake a sloppy sneeze and slap the olive at their faces. Of course, I am a lady, so I apologize profusely for kersnotting.

While I'm dishing out some well-advised knowledge, I'll give you the cold, hard facts and how to prepare.

Be alert.

These events don't just happen at the bar. These people don't have what we call polite discretion. They'll make out anywhere.

You'll go to take a bite of your smoked salmon bagel, and they'll be there.

Oh, you're just picking out a library book? They're there.

Burying your great grandmother? Yeah, they're there too.

Don't drop your guard and carry a mirror (perfect for looking around corners).

These are the facts of life people.