I don't like myself. I don't think anyone likes themselves. If they do, they're lying. People that seem to like themselves are the ones who are most guilty of self-hatred.
Many people feel a dislike for the outer things, such as their hair, their butt, their clothes and whatever vain thing you can think of. I'm guilty of that too, of course. At times I can look in the mirror and vaguely agree that I look okay, spin one circle and feel gut-wrenchingly disgusted at myself. I wish it weren't so back and forth like that; it can be tiring.
My disgust runs deeper than that. I hate the way I laugh, which is after every sentence I say because I don't trust what comes out of my mouth. It's a laugh done out of nervousness. What a waste of a laugh. I hate my emotions. My own emotions. People run on emotions, we'd be machines otherwise. I hate what I run on. I can't trust my own reactions. Sometimes I get so hurt by something, and I'm angry, and I feel wrong for being that way. I can't even tell if it's a normal reaction. I wish I could be the carefree, happy person that some people want me to be, but I can't keep wearing masks. Its not always a mask, but sometimes. I feel guilty if I don't put it on. I feel guilty for being mad, which makes me sad. I always wonder if I'll forever be sad. Some say you have to make your own happiness. Or it's all in your mind. Mine seems to be broken. Two angers definately don't make a right, but it sure happens often. Now here I am, sitting alone in an empty room. Its always alone. Listening to country... which has to be a sign that I'm depressed. I just want that smile, someone to touch me, make it real laughter and nothing out of nerves. Seems to be about eggs in a basket. I put one in and the rest follow. Only to have them smashed on the ground. Is it normal to live life saving yourself from hurt? Never fully trusting? I suppose in the end it's about saving yourself above others. That's what everyone is doing, bailing out before they get hurt, at the cost of others. You just have to know when to bail. That's my fault, bad timing.
Am I honestly that stupid? I haven't felt this stupid in a while. I feel like everything I do is stupid, every attempt, every gesture, every mistake. I don't know how long I can last like this. I don't want it to happen again, but if its so reaccuring then maybe it's how it's supposed to be. Kind of like natural selection. The dumb and the weak are supposed to die off so the rest can live on. So they can live together, not alone, and be happy for the rest of their long lives.
I can already feel it beginning.
1 comment:
I grew up like that..wondering what it took to love yourself...like, would have been a decent compromise. I yearned for a sense of peace to take over the inner turmoil which seemed to forever be boiling inside me. I wanted a "June and Ward Cleaver" type of life....too bad you are too young to know the reference. June seemed content. Happy to pour Ward's coffee each morning, while I met each day wondering what distractions I could fill it with to keep the sadness and desperation at bay. Everyone has a voice inside them. Its there to help us to be true to ourselves. And it starts yakking the loudest, when we are going the furthest from our true selves. The secret to liking...loving..yourself is to start listening to that voice. Make it the most important one in your life. Take notice of what makes you feel good...from the large to what seems the inane...how do YOU like your coffee? Do you life coffee? Do you like to be up early in the morning? Or does the quiet of the night speak to you? What kind of people do you leave feeling wonderful about yourself? Note-Rid yourself of those that don't. No one has this life figured out.
But, if there is a secret to be discovered, its this. You are here on this earth for the sole purpose of being yourself. That's the glory and the gift you have to give. So, be that person, complete with all your quirks, foibles, unique qualities, only you can bring. The journey and the joy is in the continued discovery of you.
Post a Comment