Getting an Eye-full

I can't even look at myself anymore; I see nothing. I used to be able to look into a mirror, into my eyes, and see my future. Now I just see empty, tired eyes looking back. I've felt lost before, but I never thought I'd see myself so helpless. It scares me now to see myself. It's like a wound, you can't stand to look at it yet you can't look away. I find myself looking at pictures, zooming in, trying to find something but seeing nothing. I'm trying to find when I lost myself. I don't know if it was a year ago, three years ago; maybe eight years ago, when I didnt have any responsibility. The answer isn't in my eyes, but I know I used to see something there - hope, a successful future, ambition. They're all the things that I don't feel anymore. I dont know where I'm going, maybe thats why it was in my eyes that I searched. They should be able to see where I'm headed. If a persons eyes are a supposed window to their soul, does this mean I'm soulless? I feel nothing and yet I feel everything. At times I like the pain. After nearly ten years of it, I'm used to the pain. It's familiar. Even when I've felt so alone, its there. Its always been there, even when I'm happy. Its waiting on the outskirts, expecting that bare second when I let my guard drop. My soul can't be missing, even if I can't see it anymore. A soulless person wouldn't feel pain. They would feel nothing, love nothing, care for nothing. I'd like that better. If my eyes are empty, and I'm void of a soul, then I must be on my way to feeling nothing. No hurt, no broken shards ripping up my insides - just black, bleak and hard eyes staring back. I can't wait.