Due to Unforseen Weather Conditions...

For the last week or so, I've been feeling quite lost. Like a plane caught in bad weather and having to land in some barren field of nowhere.
Since this blog is "what's on my mind", I'm steering away from my writing exercises and hoping that my words don't begin to sink into my habitual tar-pit of depression.
Starting on a positive note, I feel like I have many options available to me. As a creature of the earth and a being of technology, I have the power to travel great distances and land in Ireland and wander for a month if I felt like it... which at times I do. Having this freedom to be able to go somewhere on a whim helps to lift the cage I keep feeling around my heart. Above all, Ireland pulls at me, and not in the usual clawing, rude manner that I'm used to of other things. I can feel it tugging at me and I feel like it might be home. I don't like saying that, because when spoken aloud, people regard it the same way as when you're sixteen and you say you don't want kids when you grow up. You don't know what you're talking about, you're too young or ignorant to understand what you're saying. Similarly, how could I know that Ireland is my home, when I've never been there? I suppose it could be true, I could step out of the airport and find myself homeless. The pull I felt could have been the pull of the full moon, or the spin of the earth. In the end, there's only one way to find out.
As much as I love this freedom to do what I want, which is a two year old's dream, I still feel the slam of doors, the shutting of windows and the duct tape over the cracks in the walls. Not everything is as easy as hopping on a plane. I have a job to consider, which would mean leaving behind thirty-eight much loved dogs. Dogs know of the present, not the future or past, although they can be shaped from the past and can look forward to dinner in the future. They would move on, but I still feel that some benefit from my presence and I suppose I have to decide whether that would be worth staying. Or if my job would be waiting for me when I get home.
Its little things, pebbles in the river, that make the bed. They add up and create conflict on the things that we want. Consequences. The choice then is whether it's worth the consequences.
Above all, I love change. Sometimes the change is bad, and I feel the weight of its heavy cloud. Although I am looking forward to that change, I can't help but feel lost this time. It's like I'm eighteen again and trying to decide what I want to be. My mind is so full that after a day of walking with the dogs, I realize that I didn't hug them as much as I wanted to and my brow hurts from squinting. At times I wish I could empty my mind, but choices have to be made. I want to change now. I'm ready for change but the change isn't ready for me. Whether it's the idea of something new or just everything happening around me, I feel my mood soaring up and down again. At moments I'm happier than Peewee Herman before he got caught and then I swoop down and fear driving in case of what I'll do. I wish there were classes for twenty-two year olds with issues like these.